Meeting
Everyone:
I walked into the SealFIT facility just totally excited out
my mind. I had endlessly looked at pictures and videos of the Kokoro camp and
looked forward to the time I could be there in the flesh. I just knew the weekend was about to be
amazing. As I entered suit C (which would be my humble home the next 50 hours)
there were a few guys standing quietly keeping to themselves. I immediately
introduced myself to everyone. I met Conley, Stewart, Jebens, Turner, Peck,
McIntyre (better known as Malibu), Anderson, Bork, Talbot, Wornham, and Wood.
The class was small and that made me very happy. I have never liked huge crowds
and I knew that I was about to get almost intimately close to these men so I
was happy it was just a few of us. I could tell that some were nervous, maybe even
a little scared. I was not. I was ready. I immediately befriended Anderson
because he was a jokester just like myself and we instantly were laughing and
joking (I am pretty sure we were almost obnoxious because a couple of the guys
showed signs that we were annoying them). It’s good to laugh at times that you
should be nervous or scared. Right then it was just anxious anticipation.
First
Evolution (PT test/Grinder):
As we lined up in two perfect lines at exactly 1400 on
Friday, March 8th, 2013, Kokoro class 27 was pumped (or at least I
was) and ready to go. I had been looking forward to this experience for so long
and there I was, finally, staring directly at Mark Divine himself. It is
impossible to explain the aura that Coach Divine has if you have not seen him
in person. He lives his life with this passion and truth that is undeniable.
Every single breath he takes has a purpose and he respects that purpose. To be
in his presence alone made the entire weekend worth-while. The first task we
were assigned was to perform our fitness tests: Max dead hang pull ups, 2 min
max pushups, 2 min max sit ups, 2 min max squats, and a 1 mile run in
boots/pants. I performed on par for what I had told them to expect of me and
what I expected of myself (10 pull ups, 49 pushups, 80 sit ups, 80 squats, 8:09
mile). Malibu however, greatly oversold each of his movements and
underperformed all of them. I felt so bad for him because he immediately
labeled himself (well… his long curly blonde locks did that as well) but my
military experience taught me that in situations like this to “fly below the
radar” is ALWAYS the best way to go (although… being the only girl did not help
to keep me “below the radar”). Then began the chaos: pushups, flutter kicks,
leg levers, burpees, squats, you name it, we were performing it. We were not
only performing it but we were getting hosed down, dumped with ice water,
screamed at, harassed, and tortured. I have no idea how long this went on but I
made sure to keep checking in with my new brothers to make sure they were in
the game. Among the chaos just making eye contact with one of your teammates is
enough to know if they are ok or not. They were all doing ok and so was I.
Hooyah.
Running/Beach
Games:
Finally we were standing and breathing, the chaos was over
for now. It was time to go running. With our packs, boots, and weapons (a sand-filled
PVC pipe) we took to the streets of Encinitas, CA. With Coach Divine leading
us, nobody wanted to show any sign of weakness. Hooyah hill after Hooyah hill
we went through all of the streets and alleys around the gym. For some reason
or another I was completely unable to catch my breath (talking with friends
later I think I was just adjusting to the moisture in the air). Every hill we
did ended up with me actually wheezing to catch my breath. In my head I was at
a slight panic. NOT because I was wheezing but because I was feeling so
embarrassed that just a few hours in the ONLY girl is totally dying on the run
and to make matters worse Coach Divine was leading us!! As I already said, no
one wants to show weakness in front of Coach Divine. It got so bad that one of
the other coaches asked me if I had asthma. I told him of course I didn’t and I
didn’t know what was happening but I was fine and it would pass. That comment
was quickly followed by a little prayer in my head that I somehow would find my
breath soon or else it was going to be a loooooong weekend. Finally, Coach
Divine decided we had enough of the street running and we took to the beach. We
ran around a bit more and began one of many beach games (beach games are relays
races or odd tasks that are totally terrible). The main purpose of this beach
visit was to fill our sandbags which would stay in our packs for the rest of
the weekend (my sandbag weighed approx. 20 pounds and the guys approx. 40
pounds). It was almost a relief for me the first time they told us to go get
wet because I had to pee so bad. When we were told to go get wet it meant go
fully submerge yourself in the surf and get back to the instructors as fast as
you could. Thus began a weekend of it being completely acceptable to pee your
pants (I probably pee’d my pants 20+ times… at least that meant I was kind of
hydrated! I know…. Totally TMI but it is completely hilarious in retrospect).
One of the beach games we did was holding our newly filled sandbags above our
heads as a group. We were in two lines facing each other and Coach Divine said
to look at your partner straight in the eyes. He said it showed weakness if you
cannot look someone straight in the eye without saying anything. I was across
from Wood for this exercise and he struggled to look me in the eye and he never
made the time cap we were supposed to hold the sandbag above our head. Turns
out he was feeding his fear dog and gave into the weakness. He would be the
only man to quit our class.
Talk with
Commander Divine:
Finally we were heading back to HQ (my breathing I think was
still atrocious…) and we collected ourselves. We changed and had pizza waiting
for us. PIZZA! Score! Night had fallen, we sat in suite C and introduced
ourselves to each other, to the coaches, and gave our reasons for being there
(we were asked this question a few times over the weekend and it was
interesting to see how our answers changed as the weekend progressed). That
point in time my answer was something to effect of, “I had always known I could
finish Kokoro and therefore I had to
do it. I also know that I am a kind of selfish person at times and wanted to be
put in a team effort environment again.” I thought that was a pretty good
answer. It was all true but I think I left out some details. To be honest I
didn’t totally know why I was there yet. I think even now I am still figuring
out reasons I did Kokoro. I am still finding lessons about myself and about the
others that went through with me. I don’t believe there is ever one reason why you
do something like it. You learn from it and keep learning from it.
The forever
Run and first quitter:
At one point or another during our introductions and pizza
scarfing a storm rolled in and so did the rain. Apparently the temperature was
too cold for us to do the normal “wet and sandy” evening so we were instructed
that we were going to go for a run. This run turned out to be the “forever run”
as in, we ran forever. Pants, boots,
ruck, and weapon on hand we took off in our two lines. We did not know where we
were going or how far we were going to go, we were just instructed to be quiet
and keep up. Each of us had a chem stick hanging from the back of our packs and
the chem stick on the guy in front of me immediately became my best friend. I
thought of little else except not losing that light. The instructors were not
running terribly fast but it was a pace just outside of the reach of our
slowest runners so when we repeatedly and inevitably kept losing them we were
punished. Probably every 15-20 minutes we had to do sets of squats or burpees
or pushups or relay sprints because we could not keep pace. I actually found
these little games a break because the run was harder than them (at the time…
sometimes I would like the running and sometimes I hated it. The whole weekend
was a love/hate running battle). It was at our first or second “punishment”
that Wood quit. We were at a stop and you heard from the back of the line,
“Coach I’m done”. No one said anything but you could feel everyone’s confusion
and disappointment. I should have guessed after being his partner on the beach
that he wasn’t ready yet but I try to give everyone the benefit of the doubt.
There goes our chance for being the first “No Bell” class. Bummer. We shook it
off quickly however; we literally had no choice, and continued running. Finally
we ended up on the beach. It was there we were given a single DuraFlame log to
huddle around and get to know each other better. We stayed on the beach wet
from the rain storm and frozen for at least an hour if not more bonding with
every shiver and personal story. We also had to have a short and sweet one on
one talk with a few of the coaches during that lovely stay on the beach. They
wanted to know about our personal lives and I told them my story. It was then
that they said, “Linehan, do you know you have a fucking fan club? It’s
ridiculous!” Then they pulled out their iPhones and showed me all of the love
on Facebook from my family and friends and I knew for sure I was going to be
ok. No way was I going to let them down. The rest of the weekend I would be
reminded of my fan club and get a new sense of urgency and energy! Love love
love! After our mini-“Koom-ba-ya” moment under the moon we started the forever
run back. I was still hating running at this point. I was instructed by my
amazing mental coach to refer to certain songs to get me through long painful
and monotonous moments like this so I allowed myself to just get lost in my
songs (Come Away by Crash Kings and One Foot by Fun.) I never lost that chem
stick in front of me and just listened to that internal radio until we finally
made it back to HQ. Thank God that was over.
Murph:
A quick change of clothes and more pizza and cliff bars and
it was finally time to do “Murph”. At that point I didn’t care what I had
already done or that it was like 2 am or something ridiculous, I was SO looking
forward to Murph. We lined up on the Grinder and did some PT for warm up, some
stretches when Coach Taco decided to show up and get pissed off. Great. I was in my last clean warm shirt
and before I knew it I was low crawling through the overflowing gutter in the
street and around piles of dog crap in the grass out front of HQ. I remember
being upset for about 2 seconds that my last sweatshirt was soaked (I was
planning on wearing it for the hike) and then was relieved that it had ALL DAY
to dry before we were going to be on the hill! How ridiculous a thought: “Oh
great! I have all day to do other stuff and let my shirt dry before I will need
it to hike up this humongous hill! HOOYAH!” So I brushed it off and we began
Murph. I think we ran the first mile
with our packs on and were then instructed to leave them off to the side (I was
SO relieved to be rid of the pack. I knew I could do it but at this point not
having the pack was equal to winning the lottery). And we began our 20 rounds
of “Cindy”. Between each round we had to run across the grinder and report in
that we had completed a round until we completed all 20. I had a good pace and
stuck to my good pace – I JUST DIDN’T WANT TO BE LAST! That’s all I remember.
Don’t be last. Don’t be last. At one point amongst my rounds one of the
instructors came up and whispered that Dan McNamara said to hurry the fuck up –
I honestly don’t know which instructor it was or when they talked to Dmac but
that definitely ignited an extra fire in my belly! Sidenote: Dmac is my former
training buddy who is now trying his way through real BUDs training. He is
basically one of my heros and a constant source of inspiration. After reporting
in my last round I was just a ways behind Bork. As I started the run I got
super pumped up. Here I was. FINALLY! Doing Murph in the middle of Kokoro! I
was SO excited! So happy! I had been looking forward to this for SO LONG and I
was finally in the moment. To say that the last mile of Murph was one of the
high points in my Kokoro experience was an understatement; I was floating on
cloud 9. Then I remember seeing how close behind Bork I was and I thought, “I
bet that motherfucker didn’t do all those stupid ass track workouts like I did!
I fucking deserve to be up there with him!” (Pardon my French… I think like a
sailor – pun TOTALLY intended) I immediately picked up my pace and caught him
and we finished together. Hooyah Bork for letting me think insults at you
allowing me to find more energy and run faster! As soon as we crossed the
finish line we were instructed to go run in the last runners and that is when I
realized how badly I had to pee… in epic form I dropped trow and pee’d on the
side of the perfect 2nd street in Encinitas. It was silly but I was
totally pumped that I did that. During situations like Kokoro you gotta find
reasons, any reason, to get excited and if that means being totally stoked that
you pee’d on the side of the road during Murph then it’s completely legitimate.
Logs:
If I remember correctly it was shortly after Murph that we
were first introduced to the logs. The Logs: basically the worst things in the
whole world. This first experience with them we learned the proper ways to
shoulder them and switch shoulders. We learned how to press and squat them. We
learned how to walk all over the dam town with them. It didn’t matter what
exercise it was, we were uncomfortable and we struggled. What I remember most
about the logs is that the whole time we were under them we all were frustrated
and we all wanted it to end as soon as possible. Hooyah logs. That first time with the logs
didn’t go on too long but of course it was one of many memories we would have with
the logs.
Beach
Games:
It was Saturday morning, probably mid-morning, when we walked
the logs down to the beach. This was the first time we moved the logs with our
packs on which of course resulted in us loving the logs just that much less. So
finally we got to the beach and at this point the weather was total crap;
overcast, windy, and cold. We ditched the logs and had a quick food break of
bagels with cream cheese and almonds. (Side note: I totally loved the constant
ingesting of junk food the whole weekend! Pretty sure I am a fat girl at heart
because I totally love junk food and was going to town on whatever junk was put
in front of me!) After our snack, we did some team building memory games as a
time waster and then began our day of “beach games”. We started with taking the
sandbags out of our packs and were instructed to push the bags through the sand
using only our heads. I think we pushed them about 30-40 yards and being that
when all is said and done I AM still a girl I remember thinking how crappy it’s
going to be trying to get all that sand out of my hair! My hair was getting
totally wrecked with the sand and it was almost humiliating scraping my face in
the sand in order to push a sandbag with my head. Finally reaching the line of
instructors we were told to lay face down with the sandbag on the back of our
head. We then did “head raises” because we had to “fix our posture”. In my head
I was trying to envision what this looked like and I just laughed at how
ridiculous I am sure we looked. The “posture correctors” was followed by a ton
of sandbag Turkish get-ups and presses. I for some reason went brain dead
during the Turkish get-ups and totally got called out. One of the coaches said,
“Linehan, you OBVIOUSLY don’t have your kettlebell cert do you?!” Nope, nope I
didn’t… that was embarrassing. Soon Coach Taco realized how “dirty” we were and
we got our first of what seemed ten million “go get wet” orders. “Go get wet”
of course meant run into the surf and get totally submerged in the water and
then run back to the instructors as fast as you can. The way that the water hit
the sand it created a 4 foot drop off in the sand which created the perfect
obstacle for many of our games and relays. We did races around the beach,
AMRAPs of jumping up and down the drop off, rolling through the sand relays,
partner drags and carries, you name it, we were challenged with it. We then did
different things like had races flipping the logs, we tied a giant rope to the
logs and drug them all over the beach, and even had some tug of wars amongst
each other. This time spent on the beach was actually kind of fun and enjoyable
despite how terrible beach games are. If you know anything about how
crossfitters tend to think, when the words terribe, heinous, or awful are used
to describe some sort of workout it usually means that it was really hard but
they totally love it. Beach games are completely heinous. The weather started
to clear up, the sun started to shine, and I even remember spotting a seal
swimming in the waves and feeling totally elated. I still couldn’t believe I
was in Kokoro.
Clean the
Gym:
Once we finally marched those dreadful logs back to the gym
we did our first round of warrior yoga with Coach Divine which was amazing
because everything that man does it amazing. The yoga was followed by another
workout I was expecting (because I had read about it in Luke from Crossfit
Scottsdale’s blog) called, “Clean the Gym”. In this workout we had to as fast
as we could empty the US Crossfit gym onto the grinder in equal proportions per
team. This task took us about 15 minutes which I was personally impressed with.
Our class was small and to me it seemed like we had done the task extremely
fast, I also could have been delusional and we could have taken way longer than
any other class… either I was excited. Our teams were then tasked to compete in
an hour and 15 minute AMRAP of running equipment to the top of lookout point
and back, one piece at a time. (Lookout point was maybe a 400m run that
included a short but crazy steep hill. Hooya hill repeats!) The team that had
moved the most equipment won. One catch was that within the hour and 15 minutes
we also had to remove all the stuff to include the floor mats in our suite C
and clean it. Two members from each team went to work on that room while the
rest of us grabbed shit and ran. The weather at this point was sunny and
gorgeous. At this point in the weekend my knee was starting to hurt so anytime
I was not wearing boots and a pack I would get into a phenomenal mood so I
lavished the fact that I got to go for a sweet run. Another total plus was my
friend Dmac was at the headquarters for the day and so he posted on the running
route and I got to share a bunch of quick words with him as I ran back and forth.
He is one of the main reasons that I decided to sign up for Kokoro. We were
training buddies all last summer as he prepared to join the navy with a BUDs
contract. That summer goes down as one of the most fun summers I ever had. We
worked hard every single day pushing each other and thinking of new challenges.
We made friends with the lifeguards at a local pool and would sneak kettlebells
from the gym to do AMRAPs in and out of the water. I remember somedays getting
home and basically falling asleep before I even hit the bed (and it would be
like 5 pm). It was fantastic. So when Dmac left in the fall for basic I had to
learn how to keep my motivation and drive going on my own without him (of
course I had lots of people at the gym to help this but he was like my “wod
soul mate” hahah –that’s totally cheesy). After Dmac got done with basic and
started the ridiculously long process of BUDs he encouraged me more and more to
sign up for Kokoro. Once he found out when his Hell Week was going to be I
wanted to do anything in my power to give him the strength to make it through.
One night in December I asked him if it would give him more strength and
motivation if I went through Kokoro about the same time as his hell week (being
as it was when it was cold that would make us both just that much more badass
right?!?! Haha) and he said, “Oh fuck yes.” So I whipped out the ole charge
card and the rest is history. So…. Having Dmac on that hill while I was running
to and fro was ridiculously special to say the least. At one point during this
workout they were calling each of us over to the ice tub to show that we could
breathe through a funnel (a cut in half water bottle) while fully submerged in
the ice water. I kept hearing people failing the task, they were asking 15
seconds from us, and so I told myself when I got called over that I was going
to do it no matter what and I do believe I told myself what I tell my training
partners all the time: Don’t be a pussy. Getting into the tub the coaches asked
if I was ready and I said, “I hope so” –you know… it’s better to undersell than
under deliver, they didn’t know how confident I was going into this- and I put
the bottle in my mouth, plugged my nose, and submerged. Of course it was hard
to breathe and I actually was almost moaning my breaths in and out but in my
head I knew I was still getting oxygen and I was totally fine so I stayed under
the water until they told me to come up. It was an amazing feeling to be in a
semi-freaky situation and have total calm and comfort in my mind despite the
chaos my body was experiencing. I was also really excited that Dmac got to see
me totally dominate something because that’s what he would do – you know the
reference: WWDmacD?!. (I didn’t find out until a few days later that while I
was under the water Coach Taco said, “And they say women can’t be Seals” which
still gives me goosebumps. That is probably the greatest compliment I have ever
and will ever receive in my whole life. Hooyah Coach Taco). After my quick swim in the ice it was back to
the hill. In between one of my medball runs I had the “pleasure” of learning to
hate Hershey kisses. One of the coaches called me over and said, “Linehan you
know you are my favorite right?! Well I’m going to reward you because you are
my favorite and you are going to do 2 burpees and I will give you a Hershey
kiss.” I thought, “Oh cool!” and proceeded to do so but didn’t know there was a
catch… there was always a catch. As
soon as I ate my first kiss, Coach told me I was going to eat all of the pink
kisses that he had because “I was a chick anyway”. I dropped and pushed out 2
burpees and ate a kiss, 2 burpees, ate a kiss… about 15 times. My mouth was
covered in chocolate and I was totally gagging at the thought of shoving more
chocolate in my face and finally the pink kisses ran out. Death by chocolate
has a whole new meaning to me now. As I departed, I told the coach he was going
to pay for my insulin when I got diabetes, he just laughed. You should always
find humor in every situation and smile a chocolatey smile. I ran a few more
items up the hill and finished the workout of the cleaning crew of suite C. One
thing that was silly was, it took 4-5 guys to drag one floor mat from the suite
and I was able to drag it by myself. In the boys defense, I had helped lay the
same mats in our gym and I had the technique down but I got a kick out watching
them struggle while I walked by dragging the mat by myself. I never would have thought
that all of that mat-laying in the new Purgatory would come in so handy during
my Kokoro experience!
The Hill:
I don’t totally remember what else we did between the
cleaning workout and the hill but I don’t think it was much. As a group we
collected ourselves and prepped for the evening mission. We were going to take
a van to the bottom of Palomar hill, walk up, gather the intelligence of the
situation at the top, and walk back down. Time on target (TOT) was supposed to
be 0000 (“All Balls” as we called it in the Air Force) and we were to be back
at the bottom NLT 0400. None of us knew how long the hike was but we knew it
was long and we knew it was steep. Most of my prep had been hiking with a heavy
load so I was excited for this evolution as well. We gathered our things, pulled
out an MRE to eat on the road and took off. The van ride was fun. Everyone was
very impressed with my extensive knowledge of what is good and what is not good
in MREs (I had eaten quite a few of them in my day!!) and we all were antsy
with anticipation of what the night had in store for us. The sun was just about
set as we rolled out of the van at the base of the hill and Coach Taco was
there to greet us. We divided into two boat crews and were responsible for
getting each and every one of our boat crew members to the top and bottom
together. Just as we were about to start Coach Taco wanted to do a radio check
with each crew when we realized we forgot the radios… Oh crap. That meant we
were going to pay. Coach Taco’s favorite punishment was to stand there above us
and say “Feet. Belly. Back. Feet. Belly. Feet. Back.” He said it over and over
and over again while we followed his command. We did this for probably 15-20
minutes which felt like an eternity – times like this I forced myself to
remember that it wouldn’t last forever and eventually it did end. Once we were
“properly warmed up” as Coach Taco described it, we started the hike. Everyone
was super gung-ho to go super-fast and super hard out of the gate…. I however
had different plans. I kept reminding my overzealous team that we had to just
find a good pace and keep it. The hill was long and it would not be beneficial
to go so hard out the gate. Finally we got into a rhythm and just kept
climbing. Boat crew bravo tried to keep the brakes to a minimum and just keep
trudging but we had a couple guys who began to hurt and they began to struggle
a lot. I ended up carrying one my boat crewmember’s weapon up the hill and
Malibu and Anderson carried another member’s pack for the whole trip up. We
didn’t care what it took or that we had to carry more weight, we just wanted to
keep moving and keep pace. The whole trip to the top of the hill I felt good,
my spirit was positive, I was finding energy in the fact that I was able to
help my teammate by carrying his weapon, and I kept staring up into the stars
trying to just appreciate life. Honestly, I was extremely happy and I was
feeling gracious for the gifts that Kokoro was giving me and the lessons I was
learning and would continue to learn from Kokoro. The top mile or so of the
hike was very thick with snow making it a bit harder to climb but we managed.
We actually stumbled upon an Asian family that was stuck in the snow. Earlier
boat crew alpha actually recruited the instructors to help them get their car
unstuck. When we sat back after camp and reflected on the night of the hike we
realized how remarkable it was that we were hiking up there that particular
evening because no doubt that Asian family would have been in a lot of trouble
had we not stumbled up on them. We finally reached the top of the hill. We
quickly and totally inefficiently “gathered our intel” and began to freeze so
we turned around and headed down. Now, they say that everyone has their
“breaking point” during Kokoro and the trip down the hill was most definitely
mine (and I think it was for many of my boat crew members too….). My knee had begun
to flare up immensely and for some reason the downhill motion aggravated it
with every step and to make matters worse, I for some reason or another could
not find good footing in the snow and took about 10 falls within the first hour
of the hike down. Getting totally frustrated with the pain and with the
constant falling, I fell flat on my back yet again and let out a quick
yell/grunt thing and a single droplet of a tear formed. We had just begun the
second half of the journey down the hill and I already wanted to be done. This
was going to be a long night. If you know me, or better yet, if you have rock
climbed with me, you know that when I get frustrated I immediately get word-turrets
and swear every cuss word that I can think of and it doesn’t stop until I calm
myself down. My poor boat crew bravo got to experience Aly on word-turrets as I
slipped and fell and slowly piss and moaned myself down the hill and out of the
snow. It got so bad that at one point Conley said, “What the hell are you so
upset about?” –I didn’t know Conley… I was just losing it! FINALLY we were out
of the snow and we actually had caught up to boat crew alpha! Sweet success!!
Things felt like they were looking up a little when both of the crews were
taking a short break. One of the Coaches was quick to point out that we were
all just standing around. He reminded us that someone had to get to the bottom of the hill first and it pays to
be a winner so immediately boat crew Alpha took off in a mad dash and they went
on to run the rest of the way down the hill. Shortly behind them, boat crew
bravo took off but three of us were suffering knee issues discomforts. We started
off with a run and we probably ran about 30 minutes and the three of us started
to lose momentum… despite the pain I tried to keep positive. I suggested that
Malibu (who was feeling the strongest – I don’t think he got tired the entire
weekend…) count rounds of 20 seconds and for the next maybe 40 minutes we ran
20 seconds and walked 20 seconds. We were closely followed by one of the instructor’s
trucks which was extremely nice because we were able to see the road and where
we were stepping for the first time all night. Although, I’m sure we were an
eyesore to watch from that truck because no doubt all of us in boat crew bravo were
wobbling the entire way down. Finally, after the longest hike of my life, we
had made it to the bottom. Little did we know, we were the first class ever get
all members to the top and bottom of the hill within the cutoff time! The
instructors later told us they were totally stunned and happy when we, as a
class, started to run down the hill. Apparently that had never happened before.
No one runs down the hill.
The bus ride home was hilarious. We got the “NO SLEEPING” order and of course
we all could NOT stay awake. The heat inside the van was cranked up and we were
totally squished so immediately we started to doze. I remember feeling like I
had my phone in my hand and “mid-text” I would doze off. There were times I
would be making fun of Turner sitting right next to me for falling asleep and
mid-criticism I would fall asleep. I believe between myself and Turner we
racked up 1000+ burpee penalty. Oh well. It was hysterical.
Assault
Crew:
My most fond memory of the entire weekend was Sunday
morning’s evolution. After the hike my knee hurt more than I have ever felt in
my entire life. I was about ready mentally and emotionally to be done and to
start getting my knee to stop hurting. We were then told that we had a mission
to accomplish that morning and we would be splitting into two teams: the
assault crew and the security crew. I was put in the assault crew which would
be under the direction of Coach Divine (Yesssssss!!!!!). The teams packed up
and we marched down to the surf. The assault team was instructed to leave our
packs and weapons with the security team and then we were instructed to “keep
up”. At this moment I remembered one of my lessons with my mental strength
coach Garett Poole about “phantom pain” and I told myself that my knee felt
amazing, it didn’t hurt at all, and that I would be ok. I was going to be
running on the beach with Coach Divine so what else could I ask for?! Off we
went. We ran up and down the shore, over rocks, up and over these huge cement
towers, up and down every flight of stairs Coach Divine could find, and we
never slowed down. It was invigorating and amazing. Eventually we made it to
the lifeguard tower 17 and we had to join up arms and do some team pushups and
sit ups in the waves. Life was good. Then we had to try and get everyone on top
of the tower without using the ladder… a few attempts and mostly fails they
called off the lifeguard tower mission. Coach Divine then had us huddle and
kneel. In this kneel he pointed to us this big pile of rocks. He said, “Over
there in that pile one of those rocks represents your will to live. You must
now go and pick out which rock will represent how much will you have to live.
If your rock is too big it will show that you are arrogant. If your rock is too
small it will show that you are weak and fearful. Chose the correct size rock
and do not let it touch the ground once you select it. Your ability to hold the
rock shows how much will you have to live.” These words gave me the biggest
goosebumps I have ever felt. Coach Divine has a way about himself that would
silence a crowded room and make everyone’s head turn. I will never know what
exactly but it is obvious that he has experienced things that will affect the
way he lives his life and carries himself forever. When Coach Divine tells you
something, you listen. You listen with both ears and your heart. I was not
letting go of that rock even if my arms fell off. With our will to live rocks
we began the slow walk back to the security team. We were still in the shade
when we were down on the beach because the sun was not totally up yet but we climbed
the same flights of stairs that we did on the run over and when we reached the
top of each flight we would pause, face the rising sun, feel the warmth, smell
the ocean, and just live that moment. The experience I had with the assault
team was the closest thing to a religious experience I have ever had. Coach
Grant asked me during the walk what I was thinking and I told him the only
thing I could think was how grateful I was to be there. I told him how happy I
was to be alive and the crazy thing was I meant it down to my soul. I had nothing to complain about and everything to be thankful for. Life was
good. Life is good. Life is really fucking good. Those peaceful moments on
Sunday morning in Encinitas, California will forever be stored in my heart.
Breakfast:
As a reward for the whole class making it up and down the
hill and a great morning mission, we were taken to a small pancake house which
was a block away from HQ. Despite the probably 20,000 calories I had eaten
since starting camp, I was starving (I actually ate a cliff bar right before
breakfast because I didn’t know we were heading to breakfast – fat girl
problems!). We sat in the cute diner and were greeted with hot coffee (HOT
COFFEE OH MY GOSH I LOVE COFFEE!!!!!) and the world’s LARGEST serving of a
pancake, potatoes, scrambled eggs, and bacon. Coach Shane told us that we will
NOT be rude and not a single scrap of food would be left on the plate. I
believe I have mentioned it a few times that I thoroughly enjoyed stuffing
myself to the brim with this delicious breakfast feast and I had no problem
finishing my plates of the breakfast of champions. Of course, the charade of
awesome had to end and almost immediately we found ourselves running and doing
laps of burpee broad jumps up and down the lookout hill. Funny thing is when
you have been working so much for so long you don’t even realize that you have
a belly full of food. No one was even close to yacking. We were all just
hanging on to those last few threads of energy.
Yoga/The
Last Evolution:
The sun was beaming as we began the last evolution. The
weather was finally perfect. We all were a little anxious because we knew the
end was near. Coach Divine rallied the 11 of us up and we had another yoga
session. Both of my knees were in excruciating pain at this point so I honestly
got nothing out of this yoga, at least not physically. I was too tight for any
of the stretches and poses we tried to do and I could not put my knees on the
floor without completely wincing in pain. I tried to just think about something
else while I went through the motions. We finally ended with the dead man’s
pose and meditation. We all knew what was coming; the imminent explosion of
chaos, but it still was startling. Sirens, yelling, and water hoses woke us up
out of our deep slumber and we all were immediately corralled onto the grinder.
The next maybe hour or so we spent under the logs, doing body weight movements,
jumping and flipping tires, low crawling, dunking in the ice bath, and getting
yelled at. There was a crowd of friends and family gathered around the outside
of the grinder which was both awesome and embarrassing all at the same time.
None of us could move with any fire, we were just moving. We were just getting
through. Our final test was the logs. We had been practicing the same routines
all weekend and we were finally testing them. I personally felt like we were
failing every single combination and I still don’t know if we were good or bad
in the instructor’s eyes. I just knew I wanted to be done. Hold on for the
team. Hold on for the team. Finally, we had our logs locked out overhead and
Coach Divine said, “Class 27 you’re secure”. We were all so stunned and
surprised there really wasn’t a reaction out of any of us. Just relief. Pure
relief.
Hooyah Kokoro 27 - One of the most memorable weekends of my life.
